Doctors tried resuscitate him for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes to no avail. Some say he died from a massive heart attack. Others say from blood clotting. I believe he died of a broken heart.

No one deserved to die in such a way. No one should leave this world alone feeling unloved, unwanted, broken. That's how he felt. Unloved. Like no one wanted anything to do with him. Worthless. But that's not true, I loved him. I wanted that connection. He meant something to me. We loved him. We yearned for his connection. He meant something to us.

He didn't know that. He didn't feel that. He didn't understand. Stubborn, he was. He was a fighter but that day, he stopped fighting. He gave into his will and didn't come back. He left. Forever.

My grandfather, Michael Benjamin Carse, died yesterday at 63. Yesterday, November 14th, 2013. While in Bluefield, West Virginia attending a funeral for my mother's boyfriend's grandmother, my mother received the devastating phone call in the middle of service about my grandfather's passing. (Ironic huh?) When I saw my mother's face my heart dropped. I didn't know what was happening but something terrible had happened.

As we stood on the old church steps, in the cold West Virginian air, I saw my mother in a way I wished I had never seen. Pail. Fragile. Weak. Broken. My heart broke. Searching for comfort in her eyes, I found none. I only found pain and sadness. While on the phone, she told my Uncle Jesse to kiss his lifeless body for her and tell him he loved her. My heart crumbled on those church steps. Three thousand miles away and she could do nothing. Say nothing. Just weep.

She played back his voice message he left on her phone just the day before. He sounded so full of life, healthy, loving. He told her he loved her, he loved us, and he'd talk to her later on. Later never came.

It hurts to write this but I have to get it all out some how. Some way. I'm not really sure what to say to my mother and family, or how to comfort them but one day, one day the words will come.

I loved my grandpa. I really did. If only he hung around long enough to realize that.

May he rest in peace.

Sitting here in my room on a warm yet grey Saturday night listening to the sound of the rain hit the window and my ceiling fan spin endlessly without managing to become dizzy. I have plugged in my Christmas lights and I'm just sitting here, curled up in my bed, overwhelmed with endless thoughts.

A few moments ago I was scrolling through some old photos and Facebook posts on my newsfeed and I realized, I would have never imagined my life this way almost a year ago. This time next month I will officially have been here in North Carolina for a year! Boy how time flies! As I scroll through my newsfeed, I see old and new friends posting pictures of "living the college life" and going to football games and chilling with dormmates... and then there's me... sitting on my bed, blogging to cyberspace about how I wish things were different or how "that should be me."

I never pictured myself living on the east coast or attending a community college or just now getting my limited learners permit and so much more... Before moving, I always pictured myself moving down to the beautiful Monterey Bay to attend CSUMB! I pictured myself already licensed at 17, driving my own car, and having the time of my life with my friends before we all went our separate ways. I imagined dressing up as Katy Perry candy canes for Halloween, having girls night on the town every month, going to prom and grad night with my girlies, and most importantly graduating from my old school after a long four years.

Instead, I ended up moving leaving all my friends and family behind on the drop of a dime for the unexpected. I cried and cried and cried and cried and yes, again, I cried. This could not be happening. I felt as if everything was being taken away from me like a little girl being taken from her mother and forced to spend her life in some unfamiliar place. My senior year of high school sucked and holidays sucked even more. No REAL friends, no family, no sense of peace or trust...

There was (and still is) always this feeling of emptiness and being incomplete. Something was missing. Something is missing. I can't put my finger on it. I at least hoped that since I would be going to college this year I could fill that void with excitement and distractions! I had hoped to stay in the dorms and experience the college life to its full potential allowing the UNCC community to mold me into this person I was meant to be. To change the way I thought, give me new perspective, smile genuinely, truly let go and have fun without the constant uncomfortable tickle of someone breathing down my neck or the painful stares that I felt through my skin. I had hoped that going to UNCC would allow me to make mistakes that would make me an even better person after learning from them! :) I just wanted to be free and explore and in control of me for once.

Sitting here, I can't help but think I am not getting that experience. I feel left out, left behind... I feel as if I will not truly develop into my true self as soon as I would have hoped. Being here at a community college has nothing to offer me. No excitement, no friends, no fun. Just people trying to make it through another day... Not dissing the community college life but I feel it has nothing to offer me. I crave the craziness and hectic mess of college. It's entertaining! UTOP showed me so much and I want more of it. I want to dress in school colors, hang out in the lounges or on campus, have dorm sleepovers, and late nights and early mornings. I want that and I can't have it. I can't have it because we can't afford it.

Mom says that I shouldn't go back to UNCC next semester because its still cheaper at a community college. That I know, but I crave the college experience so bad. I honestly don't even know if I'm ever going back to UNCC. College experience or save money? Should it even have to come down to that? My happiness shouldn't be compared to dollar signs right? I want friends I can call up and meet with. I don't want to sit here all alone on a Saturday night because my mom has to work. Maybe I'm just being selfish... I earned the college experience. I worked so hard for it. I've always done the work, passed the quizzes and tests, and done what I've been told. I don't want to be a drone anymore. I want to take control over my own life now and college can help me do that.

I dunno, I'm just tired of scrolling through my newsfeeds once again and seeing people have the time of their lives and me thinking "that should be me." I did it a through my last year of high school and I don't want that anymore. I just don't.

Dear Taylor,

I hope you have enjoyed your first year of college and hopefully it’s been as amazing as everyone said it would be. I understand you were a bit skeptical about everyone and everything but everything worked out for the greater good! Those past few months before starting college were extremely hectic and jumbled because of the move, starting a new high school, not graduating from your high school, and not going to the college that you had wanted to go to for so long but like I said, everything worked out for the greater good and happened for a reason. “Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.” (Arthur Schopenhauer) You’ve made some great friends and connections and best of all, some of the best memories of your life and hopefully you have learned the importance of cherishing these people and those memories. Just continue to relax and loosen up to people a bit and you’ll be fine! I am so proud of you for being so strong and continuing to persevere when times got really tough and your emotions got the best of you. To be honest, you are probably one of the strongest teenagers that I know! You are so full of life, so helpful towards others, and you continue to stay true to who you are despite all distractions and obstacles.

            Seeing how you are going to be a sophomore this year, climbing up that academic ladder, (whoo hoo), I don’t need to tell you to get familiar with your professors and let them get to know you because you already know this! BUT just in case you happen to forget, make sure your professors can put a face to your name! :) It will definitely come in handy when it’s time for grades or even looking for students to fill internship positions! Speaking of internship positions, this year I want you to become familiar with different offices and people around campus that can help you get a head start or a sneak peek in what doing work for your major will look like. Begin to network with people and let them know that you are interested in doing course work, etc. It will definitely pay off when the time comes for getting a job.

            Freshman year was all about getting to know the campus, although you shouldn’t have had to because you were in UTOP for five weeks and getting familiar with the college hustle and bustle but this year, I want you to take a few things into consideration:

1. Try to spread your schedule around 9 to 5 because I am pretty sure you will end up taking a lot more courses this year to get done with all your general education courses. If you’re having trouble task managing because you’re busy living “la vida loca” visit the UCAE because they can definitely help you work some kinks out.
2. Don’t be boring and sit in the campus library all day and do homework until your next class starts. Go to seminars and workshops or school events just to pick up on random stuff! Broaden your horizons a bit will ya!
3. Thirdly, if you haven’t found your group of people yet, you’re doing something wrong. You’re probably being really boring and need to get involved in some clubs or a sorority! If that’s the case, go for it! Don’t waste your life being a robot and living the same life routine every day!
4. Fourthly (if that’s even a word), do extra credit assignments please! That does not mean you’re a nerd but more like you’re smart enough to want to boost your grade in the class. If that means picking up trash for a day or going to a silent film, I don’t know, do it! Not every professor, close to none, will offer extra credit!
5. Fifthly, talk to people about their majors and attend their events, showcases, or art shows (this could help you find your group). Talk to people about their religion or their culture. Take a random class just for your entertainment on things you normally wouldn’t.
6. Sixthly, if you haven’t found someone already, love may come and it may not. Don’t worry about it! You’ve got all the time in the world for that!
7. Lastly, have fun because you’re spending a buttload of money to be there. “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” –Oscar Wilde

I know you have completely transformed into an amazing person compared to the beginning of your freshman year and I hope you continue to blossom into the person that God intended for you to be! :) I hope that you continue to find peace and happiness in all the small and simple things that life has to offer. Continue to be beautiful inside and out for no one but yourself because at the end of the day, that’s all you really have at some time in your life. Take hold of every opportunity that is given to you when you are able to because you don’t want to have to look back and think of what might have been.

I know right now it may be hard to know where you want to go as far as success in life or who you want to be as far as a reputation but all I know is, ten years from now, I can only hope that you are happy.


Love always and forever, 
Yours Truly

Good Morning everyone! :)

For the assigned reading by Pat Belanoff and Henry Doss, I will be answering a few questions as well as giving my opinions and thoughts on what I have read. In the essay, “What is a Grade?” writer Belanoff states that students believe that receiving a grade in an English class means nothing anymore and it is nearly impossible. As a student, I have felt this way many many times before. In an English class, one cannot say that what you write is right or wrong. There is no wrong way to write or correct way to write when it comes to personal feelings, thoughts, opinions, concerns, or emotions.  A teacher cannot tell you that you are wrong for feeling or thinking a certain way and then give you a failing grade for your own personal opinion. That there, is what I feel makes grading English assignments nearly impossible. I also feel that it isn’t possible to get grades that mean anything in an English class because it all depends on what the teacher likes and dislikes and every teacher has different grading standards. No two people write the same and no two teachers grade assignments the exact same way. Some teachers’ grade based on content and other teachers’ grade based on organization and formatting. Therefore, when it comes down to understanding how well one does in English class and having to get a specific grade, it becomes a headache and it becomes very opinionated.

Belanoff also explains that all classes one may take may not be as “objective” or factually biased as one may think and this is true. Every class has their own way of being instructed and disciplined. Every class has their own environment and comfort levels in which student can become a successful writer or not exercise their skills to their full potential. Every teacher has their own style and does things differently than a previous teacher has done before. The teacher teaches the way they feel will be most successful for their class and their students. Many teachers that work in the same department are not going to agree on every single assignment that needs grading. The teachers may be on the same “team” or work in the same department but they are all going to have different views and opinions on how a class should be instructed and how assignments should be graded.

If students can analyze and impress other audiences both inside and outside academic settings then the teacher has done their job as an instructor. Outside of my writing and English class, I believe I can bring ideas such as what kind of genre or topic is this to other classes. I can ask probing questions and better evaluate and reflect on situations that will better help me think critically when it comes to assignments. Other ideas and tips I can bring to other classes consist of choosing and doing things that motivate or interest me to the point where it will result in some of my best work.

While reading, a passage that stuck out to me the most was on page 213:

“What im saying is that I inevitably judge the paper in front of me in terms of all other papers I’ve read. I make no apologies for that. That’s the only way any of us ever judges anything: persons are beautiful in relation to others, movies are acclaimed or not in relation to other movies, scenery is lovely in relation to other scenes the observer has seen. I cannot know beauty, perfection, or loveliness apart from specific examples.” This is so true because in order to know the difference between good or bad or ugly and beautiful we need to have specific examples to compare things to. This applies to grading. How is a teacher to know whether a paper is a grade A paper or a grade B paper and so on without any other rubric, guideline, or example to compare it to?

In Henry Doss's article, as one of the next generations of leaders I feel as if the most important element of my education would be breadth. It is important to broaden one’s horizons and trade work and not only to stick to one simple thing. When only exposed to one thing for so long there is no diversity and no learning going on in the process. The easiest element for me to engage with may be language. I am pretty good with articulating and getting my ideas and points across in a clear and understanding manner. The hardest element that will be challenging for me will be leadership. I do not like for people to depend on me for so many things because I am scared of failure. Many people have this ideal image of me that I have upheld for so long and I would hate for people to see me in a different light (i.e. failure) than what they are used to.. than what I am used to.

If professors do not explicitly list these elements in their syllabi, it is important for a student to take initiative in their own learning and understand their own strengths and weaknesses. No one can tell you who you are as a person and what you do and do not understand. The only person who knows you better than anything else is you. Work hard to realize what you need to do in order to better yourself if there is no spoken guideline in what you need to know.

Hopefully this was a good read and you all enjoyed! Happy writings!

Hey y’all!

Hope you all are enjoying your day! Week! Life! I know, personally, I can say I am. As you all know, I am officially a college freshman! Whoo hoo! College has been quite interesting since I have been here and living the college life! I enjoy living in the dorms although some days it can be quite nerve racking with all the noise and infamous amount of people coming and going in our room. But HEY! That’s all part of the college experience and living it up! Since being here, I have learned, like our class syllabus says, we are responsible for our own learning. Some days I find myself oversleeping, forgetting to do my homework, and getting off schedule and that really takes a toll on me. My mom or anyone else is no longer here to breathe down my back and give me a list of all the things I need to do as well as keep me on task. I’m learning it’s really important to manage tasks in order of high priority and know when assignments are due, etc. Academically, I’m learning that work is no longer something you do to keep the teacher from giving you an ‘X’ on your assignment sheet but something you do that works towards your major and towards you becoming a success in the near future. What am I learning about myself? I’m learning my limits in what I can handle mentally, physically, emotionally, and academically. What am I learning about others? People go wild n’ out when it comes to living the college life! YOLO!  What am I learning about the world around me? Some people cannot be trusted and are not always the people they say they are. I’m just hoping that people will prove me wrong like others have and we can start fresh.

While I continually hope that people will prove me wrong, I continue to hope that America will prove me wrong and improve the justice system. I’m pretty sure everyone has heard about the Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman case… Zimmerman was acquitted and proven to be not guilty. Everyone has their own personal opinion on the case and its outcome, just as I. In the words of a friend:

“A system cannot fail those it was never built to protect. We must remember that God is the ultimate judge in this thing called life. The justice system is man-made and please believe that no man will get away with murder of an innocent child under God’s eyes.”

 I will continue to pray for Trayvon’s family as well as other people of color who continue to die with justice not being served in their name. I will also continue to pray for the soul of people who will receive wraths much greater than a verdict could ever bestow.

Anyways, on a much happier note, have a great week and remember:

“Change is in the air, as old patterns fall away and new energies are emerging. Consciously release what needs to be released, and welcome with a full embrace the newness you've prayed for and so richly deserve.” 
― Marianne Williamson

Write ya soon! Happy Writings! 

Hey There!

These questions are a bit difficult to answer guys but I will do my best to answer all the questions to the best of my ability in a way that makes sense. My literacy narrative experience is not an exact reading and writing experience to some extent but I guess it can be. My literacy narrative is wrapped around my experience with social networks (Tumblr) and blogging. This experience reflects literacy because it describes how I began my love for reading, comprehending, and using quotes as well as occasionally memorizing them. Because of this, I began to pay more attention to the words within a quote in depth rather than just reading over it. I learned how to read texts and actually understand the context in which it was written and the other’s purpose as well as the message they were trying to portray. 

This literary experience taught me that everything people speak, read, or write is not always going to be able to comprehend as soon as possible. Everything takes time and effort and patience. On Tumblr, people not only expressed themselves through quotes and short stories but also through images and songs. I learned that language consists not only of speaking but maybe even the act of doing or seeing. Language also hinders a person in the way that they may not be able to comprehend or communicate with other people. With language barriers or lack of understanding, there is not really an efficient way to communicate with someone. For example, trying to have a full conversation with someone who speaks minimal English is pretty much impossible. 

My experience taught me that anyone has the power of language. Language, again, is not only speaking but maybe the act of seeing and doing. It’s important to acknowledge the power of language to truly understand where people are coming from and the way they view and see things. Understanding this idea can somewhat be compared to looking through a pair of binoculars to see farther and more clearly. Without the binoculars, you cannot see as far you would like. Without the attempt of trying to understand someone, the conversation will get nowhere.

This writing process taught me to be patient and thoroughly think through what I was intending to write so my words can flow smoothly. I also learned that when I focus hard enough, I can recall past events and recreate them better than I could if I just guessed off the top of my head.

Write ya soon! Happy Writing!  :)

Hey There!

This is officially my first college English & writing class! Yay me! This syllabus is my roadmap for this college course so I guess I better start following the directions. While, reading through my course syllabus a few things tend to pop out to me! For example, the words risk-taking, intellectual growth and maturity, and independent inquiry. What exactly will I be inquiring about? Well, when it comes to intellectual growth and maturity, I suppose it is the works and types of writing that will help me become more of an individual and learn more about myself and those around me! Also, when it comes to risk-taking I suppose its stepping out of your comfort zone when it comes to writing and writing about thing you wouldn’t usually write about, using different writing styles and verbage, or even just the different types of fonts you use?

 When it comes to High School vs. College English courses, there is such a huge difference! For one, I’ve already noted that the teacher talks TO you not AT you. There is no wrong way to write or answer a question but simply just a better solution or answer! In high school, I did the work just for the grade and to keep the teacher out of my ear. In college, I have already learned that this is no longer the case. I HAVE TO do the work because it is going towards my degree, towards my future endeavours, towards my career! All the work that I am doing now will help me to become that better family therapist or high school counselor. What exactly can I do to become a “success” while in college? For one, going to transistional college programs such as UTOP has definitely been of great help! But, there are those who do not have the chance or opportunity to attend programs such as this, so “what about me?” you may ask. Well, there is a Student Resource Center, Writing Resource Center, and many other helpful programs. Even speaking with your professor and putting a face to the name is beneficial.

As a writer, it is important to ask questions that spark your curiosity so your writing has a purpose! Writing about a bunch of mumbo jumbo and rambling on totally confuses your audience. Some questions to help begin writing may be, “Do I want to inspire or increase one’s imagination?” “Would people be interested in reading what I have to say about this topic?” Personally as a writer I’ve asked myself, “Does this make any sense whatsoever?” “Is anyone really interested in what I have to say?”

My first week of college has been quite eventful. I have managed to take a dead end on campus, get confused as a SOAR participant, forget homework assignments that were due, and purchase a sub sandwich in Prospector that was old. Yuck! My dorm room experiences have also been quite eventful. I almost fell of my bunk bed, stubbed my toe on my desk, and burn myself with hot water in the shower. What a week!


Write ya soon! Happy Writings! :)